Ch Ch Changes

Well, nothing like getting the crap scared out of you to change your life.  I went for my annual checkup to the lady parts doctor and got an earful of warnings on high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and other bad health things happening with me.  I get the thrill of a mammogram to check out a small lump, which is probably nothing but still needs to be checked out.  I decided then and there that enough was enough.  What caused all these issues you may ask?  Me and my relationship with food and my tendency to take care of everybody and everything else except for myself.  For too many years, I have let myself get worn down, stressed and exhausted to the point of making myself sick.  I average 5 hours of sleep a night and walk around like a zombie most of the time.  But that isn't the biggest problem.

My name is Melissa and I am a chronic overeater.  I have used food as my reward, my security blanket, my refuge and my escape.  I spent most of the first half of my life eating whatever whenever.  I was stick skinny and never really thought of food all that much.  When I went to college, something shifted.  I dealt with loneliness and sadness by eating a pizza here and an ice cream there.  For many years after that, I gained weight but not a huge amount due to activity and metabolism.  And then as the stresses built and life got more real, I started really amping it up.  Then pregnancy and loss of job and dealing with being a new parent, trying to run a new business, etc. etc.  There was always a reason to make myself feel better with food.  And then, reality, in the form of a kindly doctor telling me to look at what I am doing to myself.  Do I really want to continue this way?  Die of a heart attack at 42?  Leave my family behind?  All because I stuff bad things away with food?  An epiphany occurred.

So I have started this week to use an iPhone app called Lose It! to watch my calories and keep track of my food choices and make sure I start making good ones.  I am hoping to start at least walking a little more for exercise.  I am trying to make this work.  I am determined to get down to a healthy weight again.  I have to.  For my health and well being and as an example to my daughter.

Why am I writing this all out in a blog?  Because I am trying to make myself accountable, to force myself to stick with this.  I also know that a lot of women struggle with weight and food issues.  Maybe we can encourage each other to keep working at this.  Don't we as women have a lot more to do than waste time on worrying about our weight and whether we look a certain way?  I am doing this for my health and to feel better about myself.  It's not for my man or for society's sake.  Will I ever weigh what I did in high school?  Hell no.  But I can get back to being healthier, back to caring for myself, back to me.

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller"

-Kelly Clarkson

F*cking Perfect

I was talking with a family member just the other day about mothers and how we judge each others’ decisions when it comes to working or staying home, breastfeeding versus not breastfeeding and pretty much every other decision that we as women make when it comes to our kids.  Why do we beat other women up for decisions they make about their own lives?  I was made to feel like a bad mother for not breastfeeding my child by many women I ran across in classes, the hospital and in everyday life.    Did they try and understand why my decision was what it was?  No, I was just failing as a mother.  Add to that that I have to work outside the home?  Double whammy.  

This is just an example of what we do to ourselves as women.  I have watched the video for Pink’s song “F*cking Perfect” several times and it makes me cry at the end every time.  This video really gets to me on a lot of levels – as a former teen girl still carrying some scars, as a grown woman and as a mother of a girl.  The pressure to look, act and be a certain way as a girl/woman in this society is stifling and it seems to be getting worse.  Girls are starving themselves, cutting themselves, basically torturing themselves just to “fit in” or make themselves feel better because they don’t measure up.  But what does that even mean any more?  The popular girls beat themselves up just as much as the "freaks" do, just for different reasons.  It seems no one is perfect enough.  Why do we do this?  Why do we put this pressure on girls to be something they may not be?  This is not to say boys don’t have pressure on them because they do.  But the abuse that girls heap on themselves physically and mentally seems to be more severe.

Growing up, I always felt less than, that everyone was better, prettier, more popular than me.  Why?  I couldn’t tell you exactly.  I was smart and I felt pretty confident in that – for a while.  But then I deliberately lost a spelling bee on a simple word just to make another, more popular girl happy.  Just so she wouldn’t ignore me and cut me out of her circle of friends.  I used to get teased in junior high by these 2 boys and I finally got so mad that I hit one of them back, fighting back.  I was yelled at by one of my favorite teachers, though she had to see the teasing I endured on a daily basis in her class.  I learned I would be punished for defending myself, for standing up for myself so I very rarely have since.  

This is pretty minor stuff compared to other girls, including my friends.  But it has shaped me as a woman.  One of the big reasons I went to therapy is because I never wanted to pass on these feelings to my daughter.  I know some of these things are a normal part of all our lives.  But I never want to pass down to sweet Madeline that she can’t do or be anything she wants.  Dye your hair in high school?  I can handle it.  Become a cheerleader?  I will be there to cheer you on.  I just want her to be true to herself, to fly as high as she can, achieve all she is capable of.  But do I expect her to be society’s view of perfect, whatever that entails?  No, because she is already f*cking perfect, just as she is, to me.  

Another year older

So last week I turned 37 years old.  I can hardly believe I am that old.  I still feel like I am 25, just trying to figure life and myself out.  This past year has had a lot of changes and I have had to reevaluate who I am and how I feel worthwhile without an outside job to go to.  And how I feel as a mother. Being home full time these last 6 months has been rewarding and wonderful on one hand and tedious and monotonous on the other.  I am not meant to be a permanent stay at home mom, at least not full time.  I don't have the patience for it.  I need to have somewhere to go that is just my own.  And, financially, I also have to find something.  I have been looking for months to no avail.  I am nearing the end of my state UI benefits and face trying to get Federal extended UI benefits to keep a roof over our heads.  I should be able to, but I really need a job as soon as possible.

I am slowly realizing what I need to make me happy and I am working toward that goal.  It is hard not to apologize for it or to put my needs last.  It has been my way almost all my life.  I feel like I have to apologize for who I am, what I want and what makes me happy.  I think that is part of being a woman.  We feel like who and what we are aren't ever good enough.  That, by making others happy, somehow we'll make ourselves happy.  What I am realizing, through therapy and just life experience, that that doesn't work.  I have to do what makes me happy and, if I am happy, I will have more to give to my family.

This is all well and good to say, but hard as hell to live on a daily basis.  Due to my extensive downtime lately, I seem to be addicted to Facebook.  Bad idea, I know.  By reading and seeing other people's seemingly perfect and fun-filled lives, I can't help but compare mine to others and find it lacking.  That is my Achilles heel - trying to measure up to the Joneses.  But what I keep reminding myself is that those people that live on Facebook, Twitter etc. and post all the spectacular things going on and pictures of the great places they have been are just as insecure as I am and maybe more so.  In trying to make themselves feel better about their lives, they share the 5% of their life that is happy, fun and wonderful.  The other 95% is hidden behind closed doors, never to be shared or seen.  I read another blog about this this last week and it was so good and right on.  http://www.rocknrollbride.com/2010/08/how-to-have-a-perfectly-imperfect-weddinglife/  Social networking sites aren't real life - they are soap operas and sitcoms of lives that show only those beautiful moments, not the tedious, the mundane, the painful, the embarassing.  Online, you can appear to be all the things you wish you were in your really real life.  I want to live my life off line and find happiness in just being me.  It's a work in progress...

The Greatest Love of All

Yes, the title does refer to the Whitney Houston classic.  It seemed appropriate given my topic.  And my love of 80's music.

I have been seeing a therapist for almost 4 months now and had lots of opportunity to talk about what is wrong with me.  I started seeing her due to job issues and general uncertainty about my work future.  Then, I was fired from that job for no good reason and I had to start doing some real soul searching.

What I discovered is that I have been struggling with certain things almost my whole life.  And that I was tired of these things controlling me and how I lived my life.

I have always put others before myself, almost always to my detriment.  The reason is is that I think everyone surrounding me is better than me, worth more than me.  I have always suffered from self esteem issues though I really couldn't tell you why.  I never felt right or comfortable in my own skin.  I have never really stood up for myself because I was afraid of repercussions or that people would have a bad opinion of me.  I always judged my self worth by what others thought of me and I still do.  Which is a pretty painful place to be.  To never feel cool enough or important enough to matter to anyone.  Social situations were and are terrifying to me.  So I avoid them as much as I can.  I assume that I am the most boring person there so I don't speak and the stress eats me alive.  I have a never ending soundtrack in my head, telling me that I am stupid, why did I say that, etc etc ad nauseum.

My therapist asked me to list some of the qualities I liked best about myself.  I couldn't think of one.  Silence filled the room as I struggled to think of anything.  I threw out a few trite things but couldn't believe that I couldn't think of one thing.

That's what I have struggled with since I started elementary school.  I have always had friends, boyfriends even.  But inside, this was eating me alive.  I met my husband and he treats me like a queen and thinks I am special and tells me so.  But I don't believe it.  This hurts him, thinking he isn't making me happy.  But it is me, all my negative thoughts rolling around in my head.

I had my daughter and I realized that I never want her to feel the way I have felt almost all my life.  Like I am less than.  I want her to believe she is the most precious and wonderful girl in the world, to feel she is worthwhile and can attain anything her heart desires.  So I knew I had to fix myself, to model the self confidence I want my Madeline to have.

I am 36 years old and finally trying to love myself, just as I am.  I am tired of letting people's opinions and treatment of me dictate how I feel about myself.  So the hard work has begun.  I feel like I am moving forward, slowly but surely.

As to why I have been so brutally honest about what I am going through and working on?  All of us have things that cripple us, don't allow us to live the life we could be living.  We only get one go around is my feeling and why not try to make it as wonderful as we can.  Some things happen in life that throw us for a loop, but there are plenty of things we have control over, things we can change in ourselves.  I should have worked on this years ago but I never did.  But I am doing it now.  We all have the power to make ourselves a little happier and I finally realized that I was tired of living half a life.

I know this was pretty self help booky and all, but it is something I wanted to get off my chest.  After carrying all this crap around for decades, I decided to dump it and live the rest of my life differently.  Whitney was right - learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all.

Silver Lining

It has been FOREVER since I have done a blog.  Many new things in my life, namely my baby girl, Madeline.  I also was terminated from my paralegal position earlier this month.  Besides the lack of money flowing in, that has been a total blessing in disguise.

After having Madeline and recovering from the ravages of pregnancy and a c section on my body,  I was pretty drained.  I also was a very awkward new mom.  Maybe some moms just take to it like a duck to water, but I didn't.  My husband was great, took care of M like a pro and was instantly in love with this little baby.  I, on the other hand, being the mom, felt like all eyes were on me, waiting to see how I would do.  The pressure was a little overwhelming, trying to be this mom that I didn't feel like at first.  People were judging my skills as a mother, which is about the worst thing you can do to a new mom already shaky on her parenting prowess.  Then, my maternity leave flew by and I had to go back to work.  The stress and drain of being back at a position I hated started affecting me and my relationship with my daughter.  The only time I saw her was to feed her at night and put her to bed.  And in my head, I was thinking, "Please go to sleep so I can have a few hours to myself before going to bed so I can return to my hated job."  And then feeling guilty about it.  I thought about approaching my employers with a flex schedule, but they are not family men themselves and didn't seem to see that this was a hard transition.  I got to the point where I was tired of being stressed, drained and put down so I sought out a counselor.  After one session, I felt better.  I started standing up for myself at work.  And then I was terminated after two sessions with my therapist.  The excuse I was given was they were going in a new direction.  What that really means is that I didn't kiss their butts and go to Christmas parties etc.  I was devastated about not holding up my part of the bargain, the making the money, keeping our family fed.  But I was also relieved too.  Relieved to get out of the rut I was in, the profession I hated.

Which brings me to the first part of my blessing.  I get to hang out, every day, with my daughter.  I have built a relationship with her, feeling confident in my ability to care for her.  I take her for walks, I read to her, we play outside.  My former employers have given me a most precious gift - they have given me the gift of time.  Time to enjoy my daughter, free of stress and worries about issues at work.

My second blessing is forcing me to find a new career path.  I could have stayed at a decent paying job that I hated indefinitely to keep a roof over our head and pay the bills.  Now, I have the chance to explore something else, something I might enjoy, something that will allow me to have precious time with my baby girl.  I am still seeing my therapist, trying to find my way.  Therapy has been a great help to me, improving my life and making me more content and excited about the future.

My last blessing has been reconnecting me to our store, Rock the Cradle.  We are planning a complete redesign and adding classes and starting a kids' dance party at a local bar.  I now have the time and energy to try and make our store more successful.

The saying is true:  when one door closes, another one opens.  I feel like I have been given a second chance, a chance to do things differently, to live the way I want to.  In being fired, I finally found myself.

Time Flies...

It has been many moons since I have updated my blog and so many changes to speak of.

The first and most important one is that I am pregnant with my first child, Madeline Lily. I am a little over halfway done with my pregnancy now (a little over 5 months along) and things seem to be proceeding nicely. We've gone through genetic testing due to my age and everything was A-OK with that. That's when we found out that we were expecting a girl, which, in our heart of hearts, we really wanted all along. I didn't have a ton of issues with morning sickness my first trimester and, besides no sleeping a full night in three months plus, have been pretty comfortable physically.

My issues are all mental. Everyone that I know that is or has been pregnant all seem to be deliriously happy, taking pictures of their cute belly bumps and oohing and aahing over all things baby. I feel like there is something wrong with me that these things don't occur to me. Don't get me wrong, Madeline has a ton of stuff I have gotten her already, with help from the grandparents, of course. I have been reading a ton to gear up for not only pregnancy but for being a parent. That is the part that scares me the most. Will I be a good mother? How will I balance work and seeing my daughter and being a part of her life? How will this affect my marriage? How will we cope with the store and trying to be good parents? Questions and more questions that go around and around in my mind on a never ending tape. Everyone says that you will just know what to do, instinct takes over. I guess as an older mom I question everything more. Will I resent her for changing my life that has gotten comfortable after so many years of answering to no one but myself? I am excited to be having a child, but I also feel very disconnected too, like it isn't real to me yet. I am sure it is a coping mechanism, to protect myself from being hurt if something is wrong with her or something happens with the pregnancy. I wish that I could be like every other mom out there. Or at least how they appear to be on the outside.

To add to my already overflowing stress level, we will be adding moving to it. We have been trying, in vain, to get a loan modification on our house. It has been a frustrating and stress inducing mess of a process and we have gotten nowhere for months. We desperately need to get our housing costs down, especially before Madeline is born. So, we met with a realtor this weekend and have listed our home. Open house this weekend - woo hoo! We eally don't want to leave and have tried every which way we can to stay here, but to no avail. Our hope is to sell quickly and get settled at a new place quickly. We have a lot of the stuff for the nursery and can't set it up due to not knowing where we will be living in the near future. So we have added selling our house and moving to the mix. Let's do it all at once! We may have a meltdown in the process. I know I will be the one to have the meltdown too.

If we could get through the whole house issue and feel a little bit settled, start decorating the nursery etc, I think that we both would feel better about everything. I want to take a babymoon to Vancouver B.C. and I am hopeful we can still do that. I think it would be really good for us to do before the baby is here. We plan to travel with the baby, but this would be a nice romantic trip just the two of us before our new family member arrives.

Brian is busy making blankets and a mobile for Madeline. He has all this talent to do this stuff that he just discovered fairly recently, since we started our store. It is amazing to me to see this whole other side to him that I never knew existed. Musically, he has always been creative, but the crocheting and everything else is all new. I love it.

He has been so supportive and excited during the pregnancy so far. He reads some of my books and tries to take care of me, even though I don't let him as much as I should. He's very excited to be a dad and I think he will be a great one. I do think he needs to get a bit more organized, especially when Madeline is here and time for him will be precious. He will be the primary caregiver to Madeline while I am at work so he will have his hands full.

So that's the big stuff going on here. I'll have to update more often. It helps getting my thoughts out...

2008 - a look back

I guess it is that time of year. To look back at the previous year and make plans for the next. Brian and I tend to live pretty boring lives, but this year was a little different. We started our store, Rock the Cradle, which involved lots of work as well as blood, sweat and tears. While we were getting that off the ground, I suffered a miscarriage. It was kind of a surprise because I thought I was incapable of getting pregnant. It was doomed from the start and ended in February, not even two months along. One of the most horrible things I've ever experienced and I never want to experience it again. I really wish Gerber and other companies, however, would quit mailing me stuff for my nonexistent child. It's really fun to get that coupon book for your four month old child that doesn't exist! :) We've moved on and continue to try and get pregnant but no such luck yet. We may have to look in the adoption direction soon, but right now, we're continuing on this path.

The store opened in April and we've been pretty successful given the economy and gotten some local press love as well as high ratings from customers on sites like Yelp. We wish the business was making more money, but we're pleased with the progress. I had to go back to work to pay our bills and get off COBRA, which was killing us. I'm hopeful that the store may be enough to support both of us sometime in the near future, but we're making due right now on my salary and keeping more in the business.

We got to travel a little bit this year. We were able to go to Las Vegas over Valentine's Day for a trade show and see the show, Love, which I highly recommend. We have always wanted to go to Austin, TX, which we did in February too. Went to Cali in September with my family and lots of trips to Phoenix to see my family, especially my nephew, Colin. Hopefully, we'll find a way to travel a little more this year. Now that I have a new nephew, Aidan, I'll be headed down to Phoenix as often as I can.

So this year has been a bit of a struggle and I'm not sorry to see it go. We've had some good things happen and some not so good things. I'm ready to go into 2009. I have a list of things I would like to do or accomplish this year. Here are a few:

1. Start our own line of children's clothing.
2. Pregnancy or headway on adoption.
3. Travel to a city we've never been before.
4. Try to enjoy life more and stress less. This will be nearly impossible, but I also don't want to have a heart attack before I'm 40 either.
5. Get our house sold and downgrade to a more reasonable mortgage now that only one of us is working.
6. Try new places, restaurants and events and really enjoy all Denver has to offer.

There are more, but I keep adding to it. I think that a list is more attainable than resolutions. A list is things you want to do and resolutions are things you want to change about yourself. I would rather experience and accomplish things than trying to make myself perfect. Because that will never happen...