Where you wander, I will go

As I look around at all the businesses closing, people freaking out and the general malaise of the country these days as well as personal experiences, particularly my husband's father's death, I've been thinking more about what I want for the rest of my life. There is this belief in this country that we work ourselves to the bone until we reach 65 or 70 and then we travel, enjoy ourselves etc. We do all the things we've always meant to do, but put off due to work, family etc. I can't get behind that. My father in law worked his ass off for many years and never got to enjoy the fruits of his labor. Never wanted to close his practice and lose the income coming through the door. He died at 59, 4-5 years from his planned retirement. So, basically, he worked for this future life of leisure he never got to experience. I can't see living my life that way. Life is way too short for that. I want to travel the world, experience new things, maybe even live overseas for a while and I want to be young enough and healthy enough to enjoy it. I was reading an article that stated that experiences make people happier than things. I agree. But I also love to buy what I want to buy when I want to buy it. I want to get to the point where we downsize our house and have more freedom, find a new way to live. There are so many things I want to experience that I need all the time I can get to complete them. I am only 35 years old and have so many regrets of things I didn't do or say or places I didn't go because I was too scared, too unsure of myself. I don't want to look back and say that I just let life push me through wherever it wanted to take me. I want to look back at all these travels and experiences and feel content in a life well lived. Now, I just have to come up with a plan to accomplish it all...

Conundrum

I am one of those people who have never really needed a ton of friends to feel satisfied with life. But I constantly fight the need to do more, be more and have people like me. I think it's more that I want people to want to hang out with me, but not actually do the hanging out. It probably makes no sense to anyone else, but I sometimes feel like friends and spending time with other people are a drain on my energy. Who said what, where are we going, are her feelings hurt etc. Who has time for all that crap? I've done all that before. Then, other times, I feel bad that I don't have more friends, that somehow I am not a worthwhile person, not fun and that's why I don't have friends. A conundrum. I'm sure I give off the vibe of not pursuing friendship so I probably only have myself to blame. Luckily, my husband is on the same wavelength as me. We need our alone time, he playing guitar, video games or wasting time online, me reading or watching TV. We love hanging out with each other, because we can be boring together. We don't really do anything with anyone else besides family and that works. But that doesn't stop the desire to be more entertaining, life of the party, getting those invites to do fun things with people. I swear that sometimes, I have two separate personalities that fight with each other. The boring one usually wins though. :)

Mixed Feelings

I just found out that I got the job that I interviewed for last week. It means we won't starve as we build the business and that I can finally get off COBRA insurance. It is positive for us as a family personally, but personally, not so much. I'm back, after maybe 7 months off, doing the same things I've been doing, being who I was before and losing sight of the business that started as my idea and letting Brian run and plan and do everything for the business. It makes me really sad to have to leave all of the business activities behind, to become another schmuck in a cubicle again. It was really hard making ends meet personally and now that stress will be gone. But I am dreading the return to the status quo, to the 9-5, away from my baby, my business. I know I just need to suck it up, to do what is right for the family, not just me. It will really take me a while to get back in the swing of things, to go to sleep so early, to work M-F again. I am just at a loss of how not to be upset and resentful of having to become what I swore I never would again...

Bloggin' Time

Welcome to my blog! I am new to the whole blogging thing, but I needed a place to sort out my feelings, talk about random items of interest and just basically unload. There will be a wide range of topics and stories on here, but, hopefully, it won't be a boring read. Welcome to my life!