I am late to the party of year end roundups. My excuses are holidays, single momhood and a contagion that will not leave me alone. But another part of the reason is that I needed to ruminate a little, see where I am at the end of another year. I make a list of goals every year that I want to accomplish. This year, like many other years, I didn't get most of them accomplished. I tend to beat myself up about these things, feeling like a failure for not doing or being all the things I planned. I realize now in looking back at them that it wasn't a failure on my part. Not this year. The goals themselves were the failure. Most of them were things that weren't right for me or not important in the grand scheme of things.
I also picked a word for 2017 and that was "brave". I think I was this year. Not in some grandiose way, but in my own quiet way. I became a producer of burlesque shows, pushing myself way beyond any limits I had ever imagined. I let people see the real me a little more, trying to reach beyond myself and make genuine connections. I still struggle with this, but I am working on it. I took a large trip solo with my daughter in 2017, navigating taxis, airplanes and lodging as well as activities all on my own. I have become more politically active in a way I never have been before and I hope that this continues to grow in my life. I filled my year with theater, art, concerts and books because they fill me with joy. If I have to go alone, I am not scared to do so any more. I don't want to miss out just because I have no one to go with me. I also did something that was so hard to do, something I put off for too long this year. I went on medication for depression and anxiety and I am feeling better than I have in a long time.
My 2018 word is "change". I have a lot of goals I would love to accomplish. They are pretty lofty and require a lot of change - in myself, in my physical environment, in my career, in my romantic life. I am very hard on myself and always have been. But these lookbacks at the past year help me see that I have accomplished more than I thought I had. Maybe this year I will find someone that wants to be a part of my life, a partner who sees me for all that I am and isn't daunted by what that entails. Perhaps I will spend another year single. Maybe this year I will move into another home, selling the house that is too big for the two of us alone. Perhaps I will find another solution. Maybe this year I will finally find another career, one that challenges me in a completely new way. Perhaps that may still be down the road a ways. Whatever 2018 brings, I am ready for the change.
