Ruminations and Release

It has been almost a year since I put fingers to keyboard to write in this blog.  My last one was a requiem for 2017 and it is interesting to see where I was this time last year.  I feel like every year of the last half of a decade of my life has had huge changes.  But this year, this year I finally took control and made my own changes instead of letting them be forced on me by others or circumstance. 

I sold our too big house and now live in a 1300 square foot apartment in the middle of Denver with everything I own fitting within its walls.  Madeline and I have never been happier.  We have our own balcony where we can sit and watch the city go by, blow bubbles, grow flowers and watch the sun set.  We love walking to the park and around our neighborhood.  We needed to have our own house for a while and it served us well.  But we needed to move on and I took a scary leap and let it go.  I released the idea of what "normal" adulthood and parenting looked like.  I need to do what is best for Madeline and I and let that dictate my choices.

The house move necessitated a new school for Madeline and I really agonized over this.  This is her 3rd elementary school and she has gone through so much change already.  But she has blossomed in her new school and the growth I see in her in just a few months is beautiful to see.  She is surrounded by loving teachers that understand her, help her grow and be who she is.  She has found a small group of friends and new interests like role playing games and coding to pursue.  She also got to flex her singing and acting muscles as Shenzi in The Lion King.  She worked so hard and had so much fun and though I am biased, Madeline had a real stage presence.  I released my mom guilt and trusted my gut.

We experienced the loss and gain of new family members this year.  We said goodbye to Wink, our 17 year old beloved cat and Madeline's cuddle buddy.  She is still working through his loss and is her first experience with death in a tangible way.  We both had to deal with his loss in our own way - she with the death of the pet she grew up with and me with the loss of a pet and a last remaining link to my previous life.  Wink lived a long and love filled life and his passing was as peaceful as we could make it.  Shortly before his death, we adopted a new dog, Ludo.  He was found as a stray and is estimated to be 8 years old.  He became part of our family almost seamlessly, like he was always meant to be there.  I released my fear of owning another dog and we gained another family member.  I didn't realize how much I truly missed the companionship and love of a dog until we met Ludo.


Paying off all my debt this year and having money in the bank afterwards was a huge relief and one I don't take lightly.  Being able to travel and have so many experiences with Madeline is something I will treasure long after she has grown up and moved on.  2019 brings a long awaited trip to Hawaii together and my first solo trip overseas to sail the Nile and explore Egypt.  I am nervous and a bit overwhelmed, but I am releasing my fear and going for it.

My word for 2019 is release.  I have released a lot this year, but there is so much more for me to let go of.  I am already working on releasing my reliance on emotional eating, working with a nutritionist and changing how I treat myself and take care of this body I have abused and taken for granted.  I am beginning to separate from toxic people and relationships, no matter how hard or painful.  I am letting go of chasing after people and friendships, of trying to turn myself into something I am not just to fit in better.  I am working on being the best version of me I can be and accepting who that is.  I long for the feeling of loving who I am and not looking to find that love and acceptance in another person.  I am hoping to travel in 2019 to Iceland, New Orleans and Las Vegas, the latter two sans Madeline.  New Orleans has been on my list for a very long time and I must see the Tim Burton exhibit and Area 15 in Vegas.  I am letting go of the belief that I can't be more than just a mom during this season of life. 

Two major areas that I seem determined to address each new year and haven't tackled yet is my trepidation of leaving my job and my paralyzing fear of dating and relationships.  I am releasing myself from being disappointed or frustrated if 2019 is not the year for these.  These will come in their own time.  For the first time in a long time, I am excited for the new year to come.  Bring on 2019!

Requiem for 2017

I am late to the party of year end roundups.  My excuses are holidays, single momhood and a contagion that will not leave me alone.  But another part of the reason is that I needed to ruminate a little, see where I am at the end of another year.  I make a list of goals every year that I want to accomplish.  This year, like many other years, I didn't get most of them accomplished.  I tend to beat myself up about these things, feeling like a failure for not doing or being all the things I planned.  I realize now in looking back at them that it wasn't a failure on my part.  Not this year.  The goals themselves were the failure.  Most of them were things that weren't right for me or not important in the grand scheme of things. 

I also picked a word for 2017 and that was "brave".  I think I was this year.  Not in some grandiose way, but in my own quiet way.  I became a producer of burlesque shows, pushing myself way beyond any limits I had ever imagined.  I let people see the real me a little more, trying to reach beyond myself and make genuine connections.  I still struggle with this, but I am working on it.  I took a large trip solo with my daughter in 2017, navigating taxis, airplanes and lodging as well as activities all on my own.  I have become more politically active in a way I never have been before and I hope that this continues to grow in my life.  I filled my year with theater, art, concerts and books because they fill me with joy.  If I have to go alone, I am not scared to do so any more.  I don't want to miss out just because I have no one to go with me.  I also did something that was so hard to do, something I put off for too long this year.  I went on medication for depression and anxiety and I am feeling better than I have in a long time.

My 2018 word is "change".  I have a lot of goals I would love to accomplish.  They are pretty lofty and require a lot of change - in myself, in my physical environment, in my career, in my romantic life.  I am very hard on myself and always have been.  But these lookbacks at the past year help me see that I have accomplished more than I thought I had.  Maybe this year I will find someone that wants to be a part of my life, a partner who sees me for all that I am and isn't daunted by what that entails.  Perhaps I will spend another year single.  Maybe this year I will move into another home, selling the house that is too big for the two of us alone.  Perhaps I will find another solution.  Maybe this year I will finally find another career, one that challenges me in a completely new way.  Perhaps that may still be down the road a ways.  Whatever 2018 brings, I am ready for the change.