Sex and the Single Girl at 44

Dating in 2017.  What words are conjured up in your head when you read that statement?  For me, I think the following: frustration, terror, abject fear, comedic, deficient, critical, weird, unwanted.  I know, I know.  Don't be so negative, just put yourself out there, dating should be fun etc.  Not for me, never for me.  You see, I don't date.  I never, ever have.  I truly don't know how.  My high school boyfriend and I dated for 2-3 years, went into a dry spell for 5 or so years after that with a date or two thrown in and then I went on my first date with the man I ended up marrying.  We were together 16 years until we separated and then divorced.  I found myself single again at 41 years old with absolutely no idea of how dating works now.  Fast forward to 44 years old and I still have no clue.  I have been single for three years and had exactly 2 dates.  Yes, I needed to heal, work through my baggage (which I am still working on, by the way) and take care of myself and my daughter.  But the real reasons I haven't put myself fully back out there are a lot more personal than that.

One of the reasons I haven't thrown myself headlong into the dating scene is that I feel really self conscious about my lack of experience.  Not only do I have very little dating experience, but you can extrapolate that that applies to the bedroom as well.  I am not embarrassed of it.  I am who I am.  But I feel like others will see me lacking in some way, damaged goods somehow.  When you reach the age I have, where your body is MUCH different than it was the last time you were single, this adds another wrinkle into an already fear inducing situation.  There are classes for everything else under the sun.  Where is the Dating and Sex 101 class for those of us out of the game for so long?  I can't imagine I am the only one in the world.

Another reason is that I honestly have no idea what I want out of dating.  Not at all.  I don't know if I can do the strictly casual thing, but I really don't know if I want a full fledged relationship either.  Relationships are a ton of work and I just don't know if I have the bandwidth for that right now.  I know I worry too much about things, but it is just the way I work. Relaxing and letting things flow is a foreign concept to me.  

I also have realized during this whole process of rapid evolution that who I am looking for has changed in a pretty fundamental way.  I am just looking for a person that gets me, with all my many quirks and foibles.  I am not sure how to label that or if I even can, given that I have only dated the male species up to now.  It is just something I am coming to know about myself.  It is damn hard to find people that get me and who I feel comfortable sharing myself with.  Why would I limit myself to one gender at this point in my life?

So there it is.  My messy thought process related to dating.  I tend to figure things out best by writing them out.  Not sure that I did that with this one, but boy, does it feel good to get some of that off my chest.  Anyone else out there like me?  Reach out and we can be confused and weird together.  Anyone know a sex ed/dating teacher for adults?  Send them my way.  I could really use one.  :)  Happy dating to all of us singletons!

Try a Little Tenderness

I had a panic attack tonight.  I was at a birthday party with lots of people, people I care about, and I just locked up.  I couldn't breathe, my heart started racing and I had to run for my car before I dissolved into tears and collapsed on the floor.  It took me over 30 minutes to pull myself back together, sitting in my freezing car, sobbing and hyperventilating.  It took every ounce of strength I had to go back to the party, to face my embarassment and shame.

Why am I talking about this monumentally painful episode?  Because this is par for the course when you live with anxiety, especially social anxiety.  I don't remember a time in my life that I didn't have a soundtrack running in my head, telling me that no one likes me, no one will love me, you are an idiot, ugly, horrible, etc.  That has been my day to day life since I was a child.  It has gotten worse lately and gets progressively worse the more tired, burnt out and drained I get. Living with anxiety is exhausting and gutwrenching.  The more people tell you just to get over it, the worse you feel.  If there was a way for me to stop the constant negative self talk and worry I have immediately, I would do it in a heartbeat. I am trying not to believe I am weak, but that usually turns into another chance for the voice in my head to go to town on me.

It is hard to maintain friendships and relationships when you live like this. You believe that if anyone truly knew the real you, they would run away in horror.  Your anxiety builds walls around you to keep you "safe".  You have no idea how to talk to people, always seeing yourself as less than, not good enough.  When you speak to someone and say something you perceive as awkward or dumb, you replay it over and over in your brain for days afterwards.

People that love and care about those of us that suffer from this were not given an easy task. Some may not be able to handle it.  It requires patience, compassion, empathy, understanding and love.  I don't need anyone to coddle me or treat me like a child. But I do need more reassurance than most, that I am good enough, that it is ok to be me.  I need sleep and time for self care and a friendly shoulder to cry on sometimes.

The only way I know to take the poison out of my body - the hurt, the sadness, the anger - is to write it down.  So that is what I did with this blog post.  I am doing the best I can and I am trying to be a good human.  I know I am a really tough person to get to know and even people that know me well are not able to deal with me.  It is too much work, not worth the effort.  But I know I am not alone, that this disease eats away at others as well.  We have each other tonight.

How to care for people with anxiety: https://thoughtcatalog.com/kirsten-corley/2017/01/this-is-how-you-love-someone-with-anxiety/