I had a panic attack tonight. I was at a birthday party with lots of people, people I care about, and I just locked up. I couldn't breathe, my heart started racing and I had to run for my car before I dissolved into tears and collapsed on the floor. It took me over 30 minutes to pull myself back together, sitting in my freezing car, sobbing and hyperventilating. It took every ounce of strength I had to go back to the party, to face my embarassment and shame.
Why am I talking about this monumentally painful episode? Because this is par for the course when you live with anxiety, especially social anxiety. I don't remember a time in my life that I didn't have a soundtrack running in my head, telling me that no one likes me, no one will love me, you are an idiot, ugly, horrible, etc. That has been my day to day life since I was a child. It has gotten worse lately and gets progressively worse the more tired, burnt out and drained I get. Living with anxiety is exhausting and gutwrenching. The more people tell you just to get over it, the worse you feel. If there was a way for me to stop the constant negative self talk and worry I have immediately, I would do it in a heartbeat. I am trying not to believe I am weak, but that usually turns into another chance for the voice in my head to go to town on me.
It is hard to maintain friendships and relationships when you live like this. You believe that if anyone truly knew the real you, they would run away in horror. Your anxiety builds walls around you to keep you "safe". You have no idea how to talk to people, always seeing yourself as less than, not good enough. When you speak to someone and say something you perceive as awkward or dumb, you replay it over and over in your brain for days afterwards.
People that love and care about those of us that suffer from this were not given an easy task. Some may not be able to handle it. It requires patience, compassion, empathy, understanding and love. I don't need anyone to coddle me or treat me like a child. But I do need more reassurance than most, that I am good enough, that it is ok to be me. I need sleep and time for self care and a friendly shoulder to cry on sometimes.
The only way I know to take the poison out of my body - the hurt, the sadness, the anger - is to write it down. So that is what I did with this blog post. I am doing the best I can and I am trying to be a good human. I know I am a really tough person to get to know and even people that know me well are not able to deal with me. It is too much work, not worth the effort. But I know I am not alone, that this disease eats away at others as well. We have each other tonight.
How to care for people with anxiety: https://thoughtcatalog.com/kirsten-corley/2017/01/this-is-how-you-love-someone-with-anxiety/
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