Silver Lining

It has been FOREVER since I have done a blog.  Many new things in my life, namely my baby girl, Madeline.  I also was terminated from my paralegal position earlier this month.  Besides the lack of money flowing in, that has been a total blessing in disguise.

After having Madeline and recovering from the ravages of pregnancy and a c section on my body,  I was pretty drained.  I also was a very awkward new mom.  Maybe some moms just take to it like a duck to water, but I didn't.  My husband was great, took care of M like a pro and was instantly in love with this little baby.  I, on the other hand, being the mom, felt like all eyes were on me, waiting to see how I would do.  The pressure was a little overwhelming, trying to be this mom that I didn't feel like at first.  People were judging my skills as a mother, which is about the worst thing you can do to a new mom already shaky on her parenting prowess.  Then, my maternity leave flew by and I had to go back to work.  The stress and drain of being back at a position I hated started affecting me and my relationship with my daughter.  The only time I saw her was to feed her at night and put her to bed.  And in my head, I was thinking, "Please go to sleep so I can have a few hours to myself before going to bed so I can return to my hated job."  And then feeling guilty about it.  I thought about approaching my employers with a flex schedule, but they are not family men themselves and didn't seem to see that this was a hard transition.  I got to the point where I was tired of being stressed, drained and put down so I sought out a counselor.  After one session, I felt better.  I started standing up for myself at work.  And then I was terminated after two sessions with my therapist.  The excuse I was given was they were going in a new direction.  What that really means is that I didn't kiss their butts and go to Christmas parties etc.  I was devastated about not holding up my part of the bargain, the making the money, keeping our family fed.  But I was also relieved too.  Relieved to get out of the rut I was in, the profession I hated.

Which brings me to the first part of my blessing.  I get to hang out, every day, with my daughter.  I have built a relationship with her, feeling confident in my ability to care for her.  I take her for walks, I read to her, we play outside.  My former employers have given me a most precious gift - they have given me the gift of time.  Time to enjoy my daughter, free of stress and worries about issues at work.

My second blessing is forcing me to find a new career path.  I could have stayed at a decent paying job that I hated indefinitely to keep a roof over our head and pay the bills.  Now, I have the chance to explore something else, something I might enjoy, something that will allow me to have precious time with my baby girl.  I am still seeing my therapist, trying to find my way.  Therapy has been a great help to me, improving my life and making me more content and excited about the future.

My last blessing has been reconnecting me to our store, Rock the Cradle.  We are planning a complete redesign and adding classes and starting a kids' dance party at a local bar.  I now have the time and energy to try and make our store more successful.

The saying is true:  when one door closes, another one opens.  I feel like I have been given a second chance, a chance to do things differently, to live the way I want to.  In being fired, I finally found myself.