I have thought a lot about how we as humans have a tendency to sleepwalk through our lives. Given the events of the past several months, I have been jarred from life as it was into a brand new reality. I think for most people, life is like the movie, Groundhog Day. We get up, go to work, deal with our kids, dinner on the table, speak a few words at our spouse, usually about the house, errands or the kids and then fall into bed, exhausted. The next day, we get up and do it all over again. Our lives settle into dull routine, punctuated once in a while by some one off event or vacation or catastrophe.
After having my life upended the way it has, I have realized that perhaps it was a blessing in disguise. It has taken me a while to get to this point, but here I am. I am 41 years old, soon to be 42, and I am not living a life even remotely close to the one I want to lead. I have felt dissatisfied with my profession for a long time and long to put some business ideas into something tangible. I want to travel more, experience more. I want to write more, create a blog that allows me an outlet for my writings. In other words, I have dreams, large and small. And life has sped by, until I find myself here, at this moment. I am at a crossroads, for lack of a better analogy. I have felt stuck for so long, complaining about how unhappy I am, but doing nothing. Fear, frustration and potential failure has kept me inert, terrified to do what needs to be done to move forward. One benefit of having the rug of your life pulled out from underneath you is realizing that nothing is guaranteed. What you once feared has happened and you are still standing. If that is the case, why fear failure?
I now control the narrative of my story. There is no necessity any more of worrying about making someone else happy, compromising my dreams away. My daughter's health and happiness always comes first, but as my therapist tells me, our kids do as we do, not what we say. If I want her to be her own woman, to forge her own path, I have to show her a woman doing just that. Having the future wide open to you is a scary thing. But terribly exciting at the same time. I wish the separation didn't have to happen for me to realize all this, but it is what it is. I have to stop being afraid of failure and embrace the possibilities. Life is too damn short and I have too much to do, see and be.