Raindrops on Roses

I am currently working on a pretty difficult post to write and it is taking me time to work out what I want to say.  So I decided to do a list of some of my favorite artists, songs, books, TV shows, movies and products for a change of pace.  Here they are in no particular order or coherence.

1.  Songza - www.songza.com     How have I lived without this awesome free website my whole life?  As a huge maker of mix tapes as a youngster, this is the Holy Grail of music awesomeness.  I can listen to great mixtapes in a huge variety of genres or make my own.  Samples include Your Own John Hughes Movie, Cocktail Party Jazz and Ballroom Blitz - Essential Glam Rock.  You can search by genre or your mood and you can save your favorites in folders you name.  I am an addict and I couldn't be happier to be on this drug.

2.  Sandi Calistro - http://www.etsy.com/shop/SandiCalistroArt   This woman is so talented and I was so happy to receive a framed print of hers for Christmas.  She is also an amazing tattoo artist and I can't wait to see what she does on my husband's arm in a few months.  I am rocking her stickers on the bumper of my car and she now has iPhone cases.   Sandi also painted a beautiful mural on the side of my husband's workplace, City O' City,  in Denver.  If I was ever to get a tattoo, it would be from this wonderful artist.

3.  Chai Tea Lattes - I am truly addicted to these now.  The best one I have found so far is at the coffee shop in the Central Library in Denver, which is conveniently located across the street from my place of employment.  I even bought myself a milk frother so I can attempt these at home.  Heavenly.

4.  Ellie Goulding's Halcyon - My favorite is "Anything Can Happen", which reminds me of the best Kate Bush songs.  It just makes me happy to listen to this music.  It is majestic and it feels like a perfect soundtrack to my life right now.

5.  "Locked Out of Heaven" by Bruno Mars - OBSESSED with this song.  It is almost constantly going around and around in my head.  I am a fan of Bruno, but this song?  Oh, man.  Gets me dancing and singing along every time I hear it.

6.  Gillian Flynn's Gone Girl - This book is brilliant, but so are her other two books, Sharp Objects and Dark Places.  Dark subject matter in all three, but they are written so well, I flew through them.  I enjoyed her writing in Entertainment Weekly and, when I heard she had released her first book, I grabbed it.  I have loved every one since.  Gone Girl is about a marital relationship from hell.  It's so twisted and amazing and I loved every second of the ride.

7.  The Following - Kevin Bacon + serial killers + cool music + Edgar Allan Poe = must watch TV.  That simple.

8.  HTC One X phone - I just dumped my iPhone for this one and I am thrilled so far.  Everything is intuitive, the camera rocks, the screen is bigger, the graphics are better and I am a happy girl.  I should have done this a long time ago.  I am as giddy as a schoolgirl using this phone.  I know this is heresy, but iPhone's don't have nothing on my phone.

9.  Celeste and Jesse Forever - I just watched this movie as a rental on Amazon streaming video.  All I can say is wow.  Funny and irreverant and gut punching and thought provoking.  A meditation on marriage, what it means to be in love, the work involved in keeping it going and growing together or apart.  Rashida Jones and Andy Samberg are amazing as the titular couple.  Highly recommend.

10.  Widowspeak's Almanac - New music discovery.  Male/female duo that sound a little like Buckingham/Nicks combined with Mazzy Star.  It's just good music, folks.

So those are a few of my favorite things.  Maybe check them out and discover something new and awesome.  Or don't.  It's all up to you.  Expand those horizons, people. 

Bucket List

I have been thinking a lot about how I see myself and how I want to see myself.  That happens when you combine a looming 40th birthday and the year just beginning.  Welcome 2013!  I don't mean that to sound self centered or douchy.  It's just that you reach a point in life where what people wish you were and what you thought you wanted to force yourself to be just doesn't matter any more.  I've always wished to be a edgier, cooler version of myself.  Get a tattoo, make things, be creative, dress in vintage clothing, etc etc.  Now, some of that I truly do enjoy.  But I have realized as I get older, I am who I am.  Does that mean that I can't grow and learn and develop new interests?  Does that mean that I am stuck in a rut, finished with discovering things?  No, I don't believe it does.  But it also means being really truthful with myself.  To look at who I am, what I am and what I enjoy and what is drudgery to me.  In a way, growing older can be a quite freeing experience.  It allows you to have the luxury of looking back at the first half of your life and making plans for how you want to spend the last half.  It is such a cliche, but time speeds by so quickly.  You blink and five years have gone by.  The older you get, the more you realize that every hour of every day is precious, that it won't be seen again.  I want to spend the last half of my life doing things that I love, spending time with people that make me feel accepted and loved for who I am and going to far off places I have wanted to see for decades.  Will I be perfect at letting go of all the bull that we put ourselves through, all the comparisons with others and their lives?  No, I won't and I don't expect to be.  But the more aware I am of life passing, the more I can be truly free to live life on my terms and to make myself happy.

In order to try and do a better job of living a better life,  I have decided to do a yearly bucket list.  I just think that one for your whole life is just mindboggling and overwhelming.  If I break into a year by year, it may be easier to achieve.  Here, in no particular order, is my 2013 bucket list:

1.  Lose the last 46 pounds I have to reach my goal weight.

2.  Be more active, whether that be in a gym or out in nature.

3.  Take my daughter and husband to NYC for my 40th birthday/9th wedding anniversary.

4.  Take more weekend/long weekend jaunts to rejuvenate myself and show my daughter all the amazing things to see and do outside of our comfort zone.

5.  Tackle redecorating/renovating our house to make it more comfortable and more in tune with how we live our lives.

6.  Write more, whether it be this blog or something else.  The joy I get in spilling the thoughts chasing around in my head is unparalleled.

7.  Attend a roller derby bout.  Wanted to do this for years.

8.  Start saving for a trip to Paris, some place I have wanted to go since junior high.

9.  Get my daughter potty trained.  Yes, she is 3 and not potty trained.  This may be number one on my list for this year.  To be done with diapers? Oh, my God, yes please.

10.  Try new restaurants, activities and cuisines.  Be more adventurous.

11.  Watch my daughter go to her first day of preschool.

12.  Have more Madeline and Mama time and create special memories just the two of us.

13.  Make family time a priority, not a luxury.


I feel like I have a good shot of doing most if not all of these things this year.  There may be others added as the year goes on, but I feel like this helps me focus on what will make me happy in 2013.  40 is a huge milestone and reaching it will probably overwhelm me with conflicting emotions.  But it is also the start of a clean slate, the second half of my life.  How I fill it, what is important and who I choose to spend it with is up to me.  It is an amazing opportunity to reboot and start Melissa's Life, version 2.0.  I can't wait to see what happens next.

Losin' It

So my previous blog described my issues with food, stress and other assorted health issues.  Well, I have been true to my word and, in the spirit of still keeping myself accountable, I have lost 25 pounds in a little over 2 months.  I have a loooong way to go, but I am making progress.  It hasn't been nearly as hard as I imagined it.   I think something finally clicked in my head, made me be able to see this through.  I really am not on a diet per se, more a lifestyle change.  I slowly see myself becoming me again and it is a good feeling.  I truly think that if I had tried to do this even six months ago, I would have only made it a week or two.  I wish I could pinpoint what the difference is this time, why I am succeeding now where failure reigned before.  I am just grateful that I am feeling better and finally taking care of myself.

So, my title refers to losin' it.  Well, I addressed one type of losing, pounds, and now I will address something else I lose from time to time - my mind.  You see, I have a toddler now and, well, sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind.  Certain days, between working all day and coming home and being a mother, I end up empty at the end of the day.  When I read these soaring and beautiful stories of motherhood in all its glory, I feel like I am doing something wrong.  Why do I feel relief once I have two minutes to myself when she finally gets into bed and goes to sleep?  Why do I let her watch that extra cartoon so I can relax for five minutes before the going to sleep merry go round begins?  I feel like the crappiest mother alive.  I love my daughter more than anything in this world, but sometimes I just can't pull it all together, be that perfect wife and mother and professional.  The people that say you can have it all are full of shit.  Yeah, I said it.  It's a fairy tale we are supposed to buy hook, line and sinker.  And that is all it is - a made up story.  All these bloggers, advice givers and "authorities" don't have my life.  Advice that works for one kid, one family, won't work for another.  I am trying to go forward, keeping in mind my strengths as a mother and not beating myself up for my failures and weaknesses.  We are all just trying to do the best we can for the kid or kids we have. 

I have a tendency to give of myself until there is nothing left,  I am tapped clean out.  If I could give advice or a suggestion to other moms out there as well as to myself, it is to remember to fill ourselves up with some of the things we love to do, to take time for ourselves, to recharge our batteries.  I know this isn't new advice or an earth shattering idea, but it is something I am coming to realize that I need.  I need a night of just reading a crazy good book.  Or heading out to the botanic gardens and just walking around, gaining my peace of mind.  Enjoying a cup of coffee at my favorite coffeehouse.  I am slowly coming to realize that time for myself is not selfish, it is necessary to be the best mother and wife I can be.  Finding the time to do this will be difficult with a husband working nights, but I have to do it. 

I have these moments of panic, wondering if I am screwing my Madeline up for life by letting her have that second cookie or zone out in front of the TV so I can get some work done around the house.  And then I really look at her.  She is a funny, polite, spirited, empathetic, smart and wonderful little girl.  That is in no small part to her father that takes care of her during the day and loves her to pieces.  But there is some of me in there too.  I must be doing something right.

"You and me against the world,
Sometimes it seems like you and me against the world,
When all the others turn their backs and walked away,
You can count on me to stay."

You and Me Against the World - Helen Reddy

Ch Ch Changes

Well, nothing like getting the crap scared out of you to change your life.  I went for my annual checkup to the lady parts doctor and got an earful of warnings on high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and other bad health things happening with me.  I get the thrill of a mammogram to check out a small lump, which is probably nothing but still needs to be checked out.  I decided then and there that enough was enough.  What caused all these issues you may ask?  Me and my relationship with food and my tendency to take care of everybody and everything else except for myself.  For too many years, I have let myself get worn down, stressed and exhausted to the point of making myself sick.  I average 5 hours of sleep a night and walk around like a zombie most of the time.  But that isn't the biggest problem.

My name is Melissa and I am a chronic overeater.  I have used food as my reward, my security blanket, my refuge and my escape.  I spent most of the first half of my life eating whatever whenever.  I was stick skinny and never really thought of food all that much.  When I went to college, something shifted.  I dealt with loneliness and sadness by eating a pizza here and an ice cream there.  For many years after that, I gained weight but not a huge amount due to activity and metabolism.  And then as the stresses built and life got more real, I started really amping it up.  Then pregnancy and loss of job and dealing with being a new parent, trying to run a new business, etc. etc.  There was always a reason to make myself feel better with food.  And then, reality, in the form of a kindly doctor telling me to look at what I am doing to myself.  Do I really want to continue this way?  Die of a heart attack at 42?  Leave my family behind?  All because I stuff bad things away with food?  An epiphany occurred.

So I have started this week to use an iPhone app called Lose It! to watch my calories and keep track of my food choices and make sure I start making good ones.  I am hoping to start at least walking a little more for exercise.  I am trying to make this work.  I am determined to get down to a healthy weight again.  I have to.  For my health and well being and as an example to my daughter.

Why am I writing this all out in a blog?  Because I am trying to make myself accountable, to force myself to stick with this.  I also know that a lot of women struggle with weight and food issues.  Maybe we can encourage each other to keep working at this.  Don't we as women have a lot more to do than waste time on worrying about our weight and whether we look a certain way?  I am doing this for my health and to feel better about myself.  It's not for my man or for society's sake.  Will I ever weigh what I did in high school?  Hell no.  But I can get back to being healthier, back to caring for myself, back to me.

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller"

-Kelly Clarkson

F*cking Perfect

I was talking with a family member just the other day about mothers and how we judge each others’ decisions when it comes to working or staying home, breastfeeding versus not breastfeeding and pretty much every other decision that we as women make when it comes to our kids.  Why do we beat other women up for decisions they make about their own lives?  I was made to feel like a bad mother for not breastfeeding my child by many women I ran across in classes, the hospital and in everyday life.    Did they try and understand why my decision was what it was?  No, I was just failing as a mother.  Add to that that I have to work outside the home?  Double whammy.  

This is just an example of what we do to ourselves as women.  I have watched the video for Pink’s song “F*cking Perfect” several times and it makes me cry at the end every time.  This video really gets to me on a lot of levels – as a former teen girl still carrying some scars, as a grown woman and as a mother of a girl.  The pressure to look, act and be a certain way as a girl/woman in this society is stifling and it seems to be getting worse.  Girls are starving themselves, cutting themselves, basically torturing themselves just to “fit in” or make themselves feel better because they don’t measure up.  But what does that even mean any more?  The popular girls beat themselves up just as much as the "freaks" do, just for different reasons.  It seems no one is perfect enough.  Why do we do this?  Why do we put this pressure on girls to be something they may not be?  This is not to say boys don’t have pressure on them because they do.  But the abuse that girls heap on themselves physically and mentally seems to be more severe.

Growing up, I always felt less than, that everyone was better, prettier, more popular than me.  Why?  I couldn’t tell you exactly.  I was smart and I felt pretty confident in that – for a while.  But then I deliberately lost a spelling bee on a simple word just to make another, more popular girl happy.  Just so she wouldn’t ignore me and cut me out of her circle of friends.  I used to get teased in junior high by these 2 boys and I finally got so mad that I hit one of them back, fighting back.  I was yelled at by one of my favorite teachers, though she had to see the teasing I endured on a daily basis in her class.  I learned I would be punished for defending myself, for standing up for myself so I very rarely have since.  

This is pretty minor stuff compared to other girls, including my friends.  But it has shaped me as a woman.  One of the big reasons I went to therapy is because I never wanted to pass on these feelings to my daughter.  I know some of these things are a normal part of all our lives.  But I never want to pass down to sweet Madeline that she can’t do or be anything she wants.  Dye your hair in high school?  I can handle it.  Become a cheerleader?  I will be there to cheer you on.  I just want her to be true to herself, to fly as high as she can, achieve all she is capable of.  But do I expect her to be society’s view of perfect, whatever that entails?  No, because she is already f*cking perfect, just as she is, to me.  

Another year older

So last week I turned 37 years old.  I can hardly believe I am that old.  I still feel like I am 25, just trying to figure life and myself out.  This past year has had a lot of changes and I have had to reevaluate who I am and how I feel worthwhile without an outside job to go to.  And how I feel as a mother. Being home full time these last 6 months has been rewarding and wonderful on one hand and tedious and monotonous on the other.  I am not meant to be a permanent stay at home mom, at least not full time.  I don't have the patience for it.  I need to have somewhere to go that is just my own.  And, financially, I also have to find something.  I have been looking for months to no avail.  I am nearing the end of my state UI benefits and face trying to get Federal extended UI benefits to keep a roof over our heads.  I should be able to, but I really need a job as soon as possible.

I am slowly realizing what I need to make me happy and I am working toward that goal.  It is hard not to apologize for it or to put my needs last.  It has been my way almost all my life.  I feel like I have to apologize for who I am, what I want and what makes me happy.  I think that is part of being a woman.  We feel like who and what we are aren't ever good enough.  That, by making others happy, somehow we'll make ourselves happy.  What I am realizing, through therapy and just life experience, that that doesn't work.  I have to do what makes me happy and, if I am happy, I will have more to give to my family.

This is all well and good to say, but hard as hell to live on a daily basis.  Due to my extensive downtime lately, I seem to be addicted to Facebook.  Bad idea, I know.  By reading and seeing other people's seemingly perfect and fun-filled lives, I can't help but compare mine to others and find it lacking.  That is my Achilles heel - trying to measure up to the Joneses.  But what I keep reminding myself is that those people that live on Facebook, Twitter etc. and post all the spectacular things going on and pictures of the great places they have been are just as insecure as I am and maybe more so.  In trying to make themselves feel better about their lives, they share the 5% of their life that is happy, fun and wonderful.  The other 95% is hidden behind closed doors, never to be shared or seen.  I read another blog about this this last week and it was so good and right on.  http://www.rocknrollbride.com/2010/08/how-to-have-a-perfectly-imperfect-weddinglife/  Social networking sites aren't real life - they are soap operas and sitcoms of lives that show only those beautiful moments, not the tedious, the mundane, the painful, the embarassing.  Online, you can appear to be all the things you wish you were in your really real life.  I want to live my life off line and find happiness in just being me.  It's a work in progress...

The Greatest Love of All

Yes, the title does refer to the Whitney Houston classic.  It seemed appropriate given my topic.  And my love of 80's music.

I have been seeing a therapist for almost 4 months now and had lots of opportunity to talk about what is wrong with me.  I started seeing her due to job issues and general uncertainty about my work future.  Then, I was fired from that job for no good reason and I had to start doing some real soul searching.

What I discovered is that I have been struggling with certain things almost my whole life.  And that I was tired of these things controlling me and how I lived my life.

I have always put others before myself, almost always to my detriment.  The reason is is that I think everyone surrounding me is better than me, worth more than me.  I have always suffered from self esteem issues though I really couldn't tell you why.  I never felt right or comfortable in my own skin.  I have never really stood up for myself because I was afraid of repercussions or that people would have a bad opinion of me.  I always judged my self worth by what others thought of me and I still do.  Which is a pretty painful place to be.  To never feel cool enough or important enough to matter to anyone.  Social situations were and are terrifying to me.  So I avoid them as much as I can.  I assume that I am the most boring person there so I don't speak and the stress eats me alive.  I have a never ending soundtrack in my head, telling me that I am stupid, why did I say that, etc etc ad nauseum.

My therapist asked me to list some of the qualities I liked best about myself.  I couldn't think of one.  Silence filled the room as I struggled to think of anything.  I threw out a few trite things but couldn't believe that I couldn't think of one thing.

That's what I have struggled with since I started elementary school.  I have always had friends, boyfriends even.  But inside, this was eating me alive.  I met my husband and he treats me like a queen and thinks I am special and tells me so.  But I don't believe it.  This hurts him, thinking he isn't making me happy.  But it is me, all my negative thoughts rolling around in my head.

I had my daughter and I realized that I never want her to feel the way I have felt almost all my life.  Like I am less than.  I want her to believe she is the most precious and wonderful girl in the world, to feel she is worthwhile and can attain anything her heart desires.  So I knew I had to fix myself, to model the self confidence I want my Madeline to have.

I am 36 years old and finally trying to love myself, just as I am.  I am tired of letting people's opinions and treatment of me dictate how I feel about myself.  So the hard work has begun.  I feel like I am moving forward, slowly but surely.

As to why I have been so brutally honest about what I am going through and working on?  All of us have things that cripple us, don't allow us to live the life we could be living.  We only get one go around is my feeling and why not try to make it as wonderful as we can.  Some things happen in life that throw us for a loop, but there are plenty of things we have control over, things we can change in ourselves.  I should have worked on this years ago but I never did.  But I am doing it now.  We all have the power to make ourselves a little happier and I finally realized that I was tired of living half a life.

I know this was pretty self help booky and all, but it is something I wanted to get off my chest.  After carrying all this crap around for decades, I decided to dump it and live the rest of my life differently.  Whitney was right - learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all.